‘To Be’ or ‘To Do’, that is the question

A subtle change that can transform our days

I felt a bit ‘meh’ one day last week. Despite crossing seven items off my ‘to-do’ list, I wasn’t in a great mood.

A sense of achievement is one of my highest values. Every day, I need to feel like I’ve ‘achieved something’ or else I can often feel like I’ve wasted the day. This could be a workout in the morning, progressing some client work or a quick house clean. But being ‘an achiever’ comes at a cost.

When life gets in the way and you don’t get everything done, achievers can feel lousy at the day’s end. This has been me more days than I’d like to admit and it takes its toll.

If we only focus on the doing, we lose sight of the being.

Two approaches, two very different days

Focusing on the being is hard. I think achievers are wired to do. We start our days with a goal in mind, write a to-do-list and get to work. This is a very ‘top down’ approach and our brains are wired to find things that will help us achieve that specific goal.

As Lisa Miller writes in The Awakened Brain, if we decide we want to go for a drive that day, we will be scanning our environment from the moment we wake up for things that help us manifest that goal. We scan the room for our car keys, our phones and anything else we need for the drive.

Focusing on the ‘do’ produces results – but not always a sense of fulfilment.

Conversely, if we approach our days from a being perspective, our days can play out very differently. For example, if we prioritise ‘feeling light’ on a particular day, we will be more attuned to things in our day that give us that feeling and our approach is completely different to our need to get shit done ‘to do’ minds.

Punching out a slide deck or article can change from laborious and challenging to light and fun with zero pressure. When we focus on the being side, it is more of a bottom-up approach, no fixed agenda and makes room for spontaneity and unforeseen things to spark our days.

Feeling better at the day’s end

Recently, I’ve been deep on the ‘to do’ side of the ledger and I’ve had many days where I haven’t felt satisfied at the day’s end – because there is a never-ending list of items ‘to do’. But shifting to the being state is where the party’s at – it’s where we can feel great regardless of what we get done in a day.

The simple act of preparing a ‘to be’ list can focus our attention more towards who we want to be. The kinds of character traits we want to embody. More of a values-led approach to our day rather than a tick-the-box exercise.

Three ways to build this into your day

1. The morning ‘to be’ list

Focusing on the ‘to be’ could be as simple as writing down 3 character traits you wish to embody in your day. For example, you might write ‘I want to be courageous’ if you have a high-pressure meeting where you are sharing new ideas. Maybe you want to be a ‘great listener’ today or be ‘more empowering’ with your team.

2. Priming questions

In addition to preparing a ‘to be’ list in the morning, we can also prime our brains by taking a few minutes journalling at the start of the day. Simple prompts can transform our days. For example, using prompts such as:

- If I can be 5% more courageous today, I will…

- If I listen 5% more intently today, I will…

- If I show myself extra self-appreciation today, I will…

and by completing the sentence with 6-10 endings when we first wake up, we have immediately primed our brains to do the very thing we wish to be.

3. A midday check-in

If journalling is not your thing, maybe you set an alarm for midday to take a minute to slow down, take a breath and check in with how you are ‘being’ in your day.

My experience

Personally, I use the ‘great listener’ one on a regular basis. I often facilitate in front of large groups 3+ times a week and being a great listener generally results in being a great facilitator.

By focusing on how I want to be in these sessions, I’ve tuned my mind to hearing and seeing the person when they speak. And this typically means that I ask good follow-up questions to what they say, because I am listening to them rather than focusing on what I am going to say next.

Being = greater fulfilment

At the end of the day, I always think what matters more is our character rather than the things we have done.

I go in waves of focusing on the ‘being’ and I’m the first to admit it is not an everyday thing for me. But I also know that when I bring it to the forefront and focus on it for a few weeks, I feel better in my days and ultimately it takes care of the doing anyway – just in a way that is often unexpected.